Hey there.
There's no perfect beginning to a blog post. Even
if there is, it's a skill locked away in a vault in the back of my mind.
However, consciously, I'm still editing the words in vacuum of space and
piecing the puzzle together.
Oh, it has been a long time since I wrote anything.
Four months too long. Either I took upon myself with great restrain to stop
blogging altogether or I simply just gave up on writing, because I take pride
in my works and Time didn't allow me to commit.
To be frank, it's a bit of both. I'm only back
because I needed an outlet to sort out the messiness and make the issues I'm
dealing with a bit more palatable. And it has to be now, since I'm going for a
shoulder surgery soon and Ron is coming back.
But it's not like I haven't been dealing with
them. Especially the big one. I think we all know that phase humans go through
when they've detached themselves from objects or people they hold most dear. I
think Ron was able to get by in life because she has something to focus on, and
plus she's not that melodramatic like I am.
Me? I was a total mess. Being in NS just
exacerbated my situation. I was practically aimlessly wandering to my ORD date
and isolating myself in that sea of depression. To be dealt a shitty hand and
knowing you have to go through NS with no close friends around you is the worst
feeling possible. But it also offered me a glimpse of how my future is going to
be like. So day by day, I had to get used to living by myself and hope that I
would see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel soon.
So it's been six months since she told me that we
may have a chance to get back to being friends. The question is: Am I ready for
that? Do I still want this thing I had with her?
Thing is, I already lost N. And for the sake of my
sanity, I cannot get back to her. It's not that I hate her. It's just we've
moved on from each other. She was, and always be, a tremendous friend that I
loved. The moments spent with her, I do not regret them. Neither do I feel it's
a waste of time.
Because growth is important, and if growing means parting with someone who has made a such an impact on my life, so be it. Memories may fade, but feelings will always remain. Or... whatever.
N, you are a great person. The only thing I'm sorry for, is that I'm unable to grow alongside with you. But I wish you all the best in your endeavors and I will always be praying for you. To have the courage, the wisdom and great fortune to overcome any great challenges that will seek to destroy you.
I think I botched up this speech.
But the question still remains, do I want to get back with Ron and continue our friendship?
She is as important like how Andrew is to me.
...
...
...
Woah, ok I just had a revelation. I did not know how much influence that sentence has over me. "She is as important like how Andrew is to me." Was contemplating to write more things about how I feel, but this sentence seals the deal for me. She is my best friend. Looked past the romantic feelings I had for her, and I saw how happy I was being with just this nut of friend. Who never fails to make me laugh, stimulate my brain and tempt me into doing crazy antics. I think the reason why I was so willing to do anything with and for her, was because:
Ron was my best friend.
Just that the stupid hormones got in the way.
Besides, watching Spike Jonze's Her, Blue Is The Warmest Color and Mood Indigo taught me a few lessons. They are bleak yet passionate films about romance, but I think those movies spoke the truth about love and life. Why seemingly successful relationships fail, why do we see so much of ourselves in those who have left. And what are we to do when life ends at that very moment.
The conclusion I've arrived at is that I won't pursue a romantic relationship with anyone for now.
"I think anybody who falls in love is a
freak. It's is a crazy thing to do.
It's kind of like a socially acceptable
insanity."
- Amy Adams, Her
Yeah it's insane! You can't deny there's no beauty in it too. I'm just not ready to throw myself to back into the game after all that recovery I've just gone through. The thing that frightens me the most is that you lose your life once it's over. And it shouldn't be like that.
So I shall walk away now, like how Adele did in
that French film, and continue on living.
"I have infinite
tenderness for you. I always will. All my life long."
- Emma, Blue is the
Warmest Color
