Pre-Cognitive Dream Sate

When you spend an inordinate amount of time in isolation, your mind tends to navigate through your insecurities, yours strengths, subtle fleeting moments in relationships, things you've done right or wrong. Then you see a man dressed as Batman swinging his arm repeatedly at another person. With sharp-ended cones attached to his knuckles.

That's gotta hurt.

Degree of Acceptance and Forgiveness

I got abandoned at a bookshop by a close friend.

Asked her if she could stay a little longer, because I haven't checked out the Magazine section, but she just told me to stay and she wanted to go off. Of course I was pissed!

What kind of person walks out on a friend on an outing? Couldn't she wait a while I check out if there's any movie magazines on sale? Just a teensy weeny while?

And she just walked off, like she doesn't mind offending me. What?!

Then I realize this is a test, not created by anyone, presented in front of me in a form of a situation. A test of my loyalty, valor and tolerance for acceptance. A very tricky problem.

I know what I needed to do. So I told her off in a text message. I wrote in the message what she did wrong, but also letting her I forgive her. Yeah, sure, I was pissed, but I can't be pissed at her for long. N's somebody to me. For some unknown reason, I see her like she's a wise, yet a little erratic, younger sister. That's why I treat her all that food, movie tickets and stuff. And I know she'll be there when I need words of wisdom from a rational person. It's call doting on her.

And I do that to Ronnie too. But, you know, Ronnie's more special. Other than the fact I used to have a crush on her. We two kinda go a long way back...

ANYWAY, I digressed.

So having scolded her, I thought she might feel a little bad or anything, so I texted another saying "Sis/laopo(means Wife; it's an in joke), I will still dote on you."

Because I realized, a feeling like anger should never last longer than a day. What if I had died or something happened to her? I can't bear the thought that the last thing I said to her is that she made me upset if anything happened to any of us the next day. So I wanted her to know that I forgive her and she shouldn't be feeling any negative feeling about me telling her off, if she's feeling any. I don't know. I just want her to know I still care for her, no matter what happened.

And I blame myself for not able to be there for people I care about. I think.. Sometimes, I know how people are. I'm not gonna say I understand them. But I have trouble reciprocating to their emotions or lack thereof.

I wish I knew what to say... To make them feel better.

Life is really hard to navigate by...

Apprehension

I'm not in arrested development. I think I have grown and, if you will, changed. The thing I'm stuck in is called a rut. The lack of change in my environment is exacerbating my sanity.

Then devoting my time to listening to love encounters and experiences makes me long for one myself. Maybe that's why now I'm not going anywhere with my love life. Because I just want the experience, to be in one, let it grow sweet and then rot, so I can have the pleasure and exclaim "Yes! I'm in one!" But no, that shouldn't be the way.

I respect Love and relationships a lot. If I can treat my family and close friends with love, commitment and respect, I don't see why I would fail at a relationship. Because, if there's a girl in my life, I would do anything for her. Yes, I would grumble and stuff at other things, but I am willing to learn from my mistakes, open up a little, loosen up and treat her like the Queen she is to my King status. Because, relationships go both ways. As the saying goes, it takes both hands to clap. No shit, you don't say.

I just haven't met the right one yet. She is out there somewhere. And we're both young, insane and not in love yet.

She could be anyone.

Was just mumbling lyrics just now and got some kind of realization...

"Was it you who spoke the words, that things would happen but not to me. Oh things are gonna happen naturally~"

Yala yala. Jason Mraz. Ain't he a genius word wizard?

Things will happen naturally. Just ain't my moment yet.

Chillz out, everybodaeee. Gotta live it up, keep learning and stop worrying=)