wallow in nostalgia amid the digital grid of deep affection

I've been wanting to write about relationships, but had been unable to do so after a crushing, fatal blow from a separation. You could say that it really stopped me from writing. Feelings like these are extremely difficult to express, let alone talk about with other friends. Isolation wasn't my only option, but it provided me a necessary void to grieve unintelligibly. It is such a personal glass ball of emotions that it demands to be felt and not conveyed, that's why I never bothered to attempt to describe it to anyone.

Some weeks back, I came across a quote from Charlie Lim on Twitter. I had never agreed with someone this strongly before and I just want to share it.

Looking back on what happened and how it came to be, the separation was inevitable. I always believe that if a relationship breaks apart, it is never the fault of one person. Sometimes both partners are at fault, sometimes it's just a circumstance issue. We like point fingers at each other and other reasons, but we hardly look back on ourselves. Which brings me to this tweet. If you replace "things" with "people", you'd get the same results.

For a real-life example, I'm going to use my own doomed relationship with Ron. God knows I loved her. She may not admit and see it, but she was the pillar of strength that I needed at that time. Initially it was an abusive experience, but we made it into our own complex, little love. We weren't in a relationship, but we shared almost everything.

That's all I'm gonna say, because I'm not here to reiterate how "perfect" we are for each other, but how wrong we were. At one point, Ron told me that she'd like for us to remain close friends and nothing more. But did we do that? Not really. We became even closer. So close that her then-boyfriend started to become jealous, because she was spending so much time with me. And, sadly for him, I knew her better than him. The fact was, she knew she was leading me on, although unintentionally, and me holding back my love is an impossible task.

So I kept investing in a couple-relationship that never crossed Ron's mind, while she was hoping our platonic friendship would last long. Our expectations were not aligned with our reality, so thus, a drastic yet necessary action had to be taken. We were too far over our heads, or rather our hearts. We knew we had a good thing going, but it eventually had to come to its preordained demise.

So was Ron the wrong person to love? Maybe? But my methods weren't exactly right as well. So we will never know. But, by gosh, what a life-changing journey. I wouldn't be the person today if it weren't for her.

Having said that, I won't be getting back into the dating game any time soon. To spend that amount of time and brain juice on someone is draining, to say the least. And with me heading to the working world in a few weeks, I highly doubt I'd have the time to invest in another relationship, especially with my hobby commitments and all. I rather hang around people I already know and trust, instead of getting to know another stranger. Also, why should I be having multiple courtships, when I already had the one relationship that defined my perspective on love and commitment?

So thank you, Ron.

For everything you've shared and imparted to me. I'll always think of you fondly, and as, I hope, you of me. Happy belated 22nd, babe.

Gargantuan Leap of Faith

The truth is, I'm not a big advocate on the whole religion spectrum, if you will. But I still do meditate every once in a while, because sometimes I lose sense of myself when I get too depressed or busy. So meditating brings me back to Earth and allows me to see the big picture of my life. I mean, seriously, sometimes we gotta calm our ourselves down and rethink of everything you have and you wish to achieve.

So I thought it'd be nice to jolt down the prayers and wishes whenever I pray, because, to be honest, I do forget a detail or two sometimes. So this serves a reminder for me.

1) I pray that my entire family will live harmoniously and also, for world peace. (Such a beauty-pageant answer..)

2) I pray that my dad will continue helping Creo Desserts business without much qualms and his body will be able to bear the challenges of carrying heavy and hot items. I pray he'll continue to contribute to our family, even after Creo is finished and he'll not laze around at home watching TV. It is okay with me if he doesn't look for a job, but at least do something as the father of this average-to-do family.

3) I pray that my mom's health will get better during this holiday period, so she'll be able to teach her classes at Ngee Ann Secondary School come this next year. I hope she's still got one or more years in her to continue, and she'll retire without much difficulty and live the rest of her life in peace. I also pray that the doctors she meet will give her the right medication and treatment for her illnesses. Also, I hope that she will be more understanding of her family, and not act out like a immature brat whenever things don't go her selfish way.

4) I pray for my elder sister's health; I pray that her stomach and her womb will be recover soon and not cause much problems, so she can have at least a child in the future with her current beau, Jason. I pray that she will always tap into the Buddha's wisdom and fortune to overcome her troubles at work, and her superiors will recognize the hard work she does, and hopefully gain a promotion or be headhunted for another job that she will like doing.

I also pray for her current relationship with Jason, and that this time her relationship with this new guy will work out fine. I pray that they both will have the capacity to endure and overcome their differences, habits and flaws, and not become a bitter couple as they grow old. I pray that their faith in each other will continue strong, and I pray that my sister can bear him a child in time to come to solidify their relationship.

5) I pray for Jason to also find success in his career; that he can find a suitable, high-paying job that satisfies him. Though he has not found any success with his current interviews, I pray that he will be able to tap into the Buddha's fortune that we've given him, and he'll maybe change his ways to suit, or to find someone who wants him for who he is. And also that interviewers will look past his flaws and hire him for a job hat he wants.

6) I pray for my younger sister to find success in her part-time uni studies. I also pray that the stress and pressure she gives herself to do her best will not manifest in a consequence that will derail her body. I pray that she will continue to prosper and learn under the supervisor that she's working for as a part-time job. I pray that the Buddha's wisdom and knowledge will aid her in remembering facts and equations for her terribly difficult science modules. I pray that after her studies, she will be able to find a financially stable career and be able to provide for herself. And perhaps, (pray) that she will find someone she likes and be in a great relationship with this guy.. Or girl. For all that matter. Hahahaha..

7) For me, I pray that my health and my appendectomy wound will recover fast and be in best state when I go work for Double Negative Singapore. I pray that this is actually a blessing in disguise, and clearing all my health karma before I go in and work hard for this company. I pray I'll be able to pick things up fast and learn as much as possible in this company. Pray that future colleagues and bosses are not assholes, and even if they are, I'd do my best to recognize these people and overcome their douchey-ness. I pray that I will be able to commit to this company for the longest time possible and pick up a few skills here and there about managing big-scale productions. Also, I pray that I will meet people that can help me to advance my studies or career, to achieve bigger things and also hopefully I can find a mentor there.

Also, at the same time, I pray that I will still be able to meet new people outside of my job and commit a part of my time to the local music industry. Especially in establishing Farhan's band Rendered 27 and pray that they will find success as local musicians. Also, meet people who can help me make my films or help them make films.

I think, ultimately, I wanna pray that I will have the good fortune to meet good, loyal people and be genuine friends with them. I also pray that my family will tide over the bad times and bond stronger.

8) Lastly, I wanna dedicate my prayers to these people who already established themselves as true mates in times of trouble:

Andrew
Zaidah
Zhengqian
XiangChou
WeiLin
ZhaoDe
Agassi
SuJuen
BiXuan
Syahirah
James
Cassandra
ShengQuan
WanTing
Gurvin
Cherie
Joey
Zen
Samantha
Charmain
ShiAn
Ron
WeiMing
Lynn
Joab
Jeremy
YiPann
Aaron
Stephen
Shermund
WeiHan
Melvin
Zhuang
DeWei
Issac
My entire platoon 2 section 1 BMT mates, especially KianFai
Rendered 27 and those secondary school Malay friends who still remember me.

I pray that these people will have the good fortune I prayed for them and tap into the Buddha's wisdom, knowledge and compassion to find success in their everyday lives and never forget to lose what is most important about themselves.

Okay this is one hell of a lengthy post.