Episode VII

21st June. Journal Entry 7

Love.

I appreciate what Love had brought me all these years. It is a wonderful feeling when I come back home from school because all the pressure from the classmates and teachers are all left at the front door. But of course, gratitude often comes with love. I am truly grateful to my classmates and teachers had given me. A second home in school where everybody is almost as kind and friendly as my family back home.

But no, I didn’t really experience that kind of love in school before. To me, my secondary school life had been quite hellish. Well, blood is thicker than water so I can’t really expect my classmates and teachers to be as forgiving as my parents back home if I messed something up.

As a student trying to survive in school, I met with many setbacks. Not academically but socially. I wasn’t really outcast by my classmates. But I’m the guy who never hangs out with a big group of friends. I had only 3 close friends and that’s all. We’re never stupid enough to break the school rules. The hottest soup we ever got ourselves into was playing poker cards in school and a prefect caught us. Well, it wasn’t that bad.

My classmates and me, we are of polar opposites. I’m the really mellow guy who stands out from the crowd in a while and says “Hi!” then I go back into hiding again. My classmates are all humourous and active. They’ll never fail to tickle the class’ funny bones with their witty jokes. So sometimes I get thrown aside and nobody notices me again. I’m that tragic. Because of our different personalities, most of the time I will never get involved in their fun shenanigans. They usually leave me out. So I fell wayside.

But secondary school wasn’t all that bad. I joined the school military band and that was where I had the most meaningful experience in my life. It wasn’t just experimenting and practising music, I had a lot of fun while doing them with my friends and seniors. I played percussion in the school band but I wasn’t the drummer. More specifically, I’m the person who looks out for the overall sound while my other two friends specialize in drum-set rhythms. So we kind of brought something different for every practices and share among ourselves. We were discovering different sophisticated and awesome at such a young and tender age. Besides, we had to teach our juniors and get scolding from our conductors. All these just bonded us together. Such trust and loyalty are hard to gain but easy to lose. So, they are like my half-brothers.

As the years went by, I learnt to appreciate my classmates for what they are. Well, there can’t be people who are of exact personality and character, right? Though I can’t join in their fun after school but during lessons, I’ll just laugh along with them. My friendship with them is merely platonic and nothing else. Anyway, it’s good enough to be in their presence so I’m grateful for not being rejected for being myself.

Things could have been, you know.

Be Kind, Rewind

What's the world coming to? You have the idiots who think proudly of themselves and wanting their freedom of speech and you have people of dark characters and pasts who reveal the ugly side of humans.

I didn’t know or even met any idiots in my life before. The idiots that I know were on the television like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. I don’t really care for them and their stupid behaviours and opinions. I just know that it can’t possibly happen in Singapore.

Since I met that guy, everything changed. He must be asking for attention by acting so stupid all the time. Sometimes I thought, “Damn, he is an evil genius.” But, whatever you know.

So today, one of my classmates gave a speech to the whole class. It was regarding about the bullying the idiot. She said we should give him one last chance to fit in with the all of us. I disagree with her. I don’t think anyone with that kind of diva attitude towards everything should even be here. I’m sorry but I had so much encounters with him for many assignments that I don’t think he deserves any sort of apology or acceptance from me.

Having that said, sometimes I might have gone overboard. So I decided to leave him alone forever. If he does not come to me and fuck me up real fucking badly, I won’t go picking on him. So, this is my final offer of salvation for him, otherwise I will unleash a fury of vulgarity-ridden sentences upon him and make him face my wrath.

I think you guys have seen some really fucked up shit in life. Some people just become mind-fucked after seeing all the ugly side of people. They are so mind-fucked that they lost hope and trust in humanity. They start to think the worst of people’s intentions and interpret them in the most twisted way. They think the world is sick and vile and there is no cure.

I beg to differ. Sure, there is a lot of evil in this world but we are constantly trying to do the right thing by being nice and good to people. There is no black or white, there is only grey.

In other words, we are all flawed human beings trying to be the nicest to the best of our moral values. Why lose hope in humans? There is still good in the world. You just don’t realize it.

And I salute those who are still optimistic and hopeful about the world despite its giant flaws. I wouldn’t say that they are living in self-denial but rather; they have embraced the facts and are living their life to the fullest by contributing a single puzzle piece to the jigsaw “Hope” by being kind to everyone they know. I hate to quote from this musical but it’s true “We’re all in this together”.

By doing this, they have achieved something higher in life than those who just keep on rambling on about how the world sucked. That, I guess, is Happiness.

And true happiness is hard to come by. And with that, I end this post.

Bear in mind: Be grateful and Be Love.

Ciao...

Undisclosed Desires

I am slowly descending into the state of insanity where nothing really matters to me. Not even my studies. And the reason behind this cause is my stupid crush.

I realised something important over the years as a young maturing boy with hormonal problems. I used to be an emotional boy, and I still am but I'm gaining control over my feelings. But the point is, Love screws me upside-down. I remembered that I did not do that well for Sec 2 because I got dumped by a girl who had a 6-months worth of crush on me just 1 month ago before the major exams.

Hmm, the suffering...

The way I tackle love is such an old-school method. The first step can be described using a quote from the movie Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who pays me the least bit of attention.."

Yes, if a girl, provided that she's adequately pretty, constantly comes to talk to me , I would fall in love with her easily. But this isn't a full-proof method because some girls are my good friends so I don't really fall in love with them. In other words, this girl got to be someone whom I think is special. Like Zooey Deschanel...

The next step is to talk to her as much as possible. Get to know her better, make her feel better about herself, be supportive and etc. The idea of this is to become her best guy friend. Or at least make it till the runner-up.

Then comes the part where I break the confession to her. Sometimes they just see me as their best friend AND THAT really breaks my heart. "I'm sorry, but I prefer to have you as my good friend.." is just another meaning for "Fuck you, I don't want to go out with you because you're fugly and boring."

Sounds harsh eh? But that's the truth. Can't say I really like it. Then they'll go on saying "You'll find someone that fits/love you, don't worry.."

Fuck that.

Despite my distaste for cliche romance films, my vision of Love is that everything is sweet and memorable. Having that said, I'm trying very hard to keep this vision intact within me because every relationships around me are fucked-up. It's hard to find someone you truly love, that's what I can say.

The girl that I have a crush on is a Summer. Obviously, I'm not talking about the seasons of distinct weather patterns. Summer is a fictitious girl from a film that I adore this year. Summer is somewhat independent and does not want to be romantically involved with someone. She only just wants to have some harmless fun. I guess, my Summer is here. Will I be a Tom Hansen in time to come? I certainly hope not...

Sometimes I find myself battling with my conscience, knowing what's not the thing to do, but I still do it anyway.

Sounds familiar eh? Join the club...

Random Thoughts

Waking up early, a crazy timetable and an unbearable classmate... And to think that I will work harder this semester, all these obstacles just keep holding me down. For the first two weeks, it was like a session where Hitler makes me sit throughout a fast-forward sequences of violent images of evil Jews and I drool all over my arms.

Hitler. Interesting. I made a comparison to Hitler... Moving on!

Statement of the Semester: Management modules are boring.

Sadly, it's the truth. Management of a media business is an interesting topic. The concepts of managing lots of different people makes the modules more attractive to learn. It's all about the skills of toying with individual's minds and if you do learn how to grasp that ability, it'll probably rank you amongst the most scheming and cunning people on the Earth.

But when it comes to answering tutorial questions, it's a total fucking nightmare. Especially Financial Management. I'm not a guy with a business mind. I'm the guy with the whacked-out imagination who utilizes his sleep to dream of psychedelic images and story plots.

Then some wonderful things start to happen to me. I know she'll be reading this if she comes here.

So there's this girl Zaidah in my class. I always thought she's a pretty cool chick. The way she talks to friends and presents herself in front of class, I always knew she was something entirely entity. Then recently, we started to chat on MSN. And by chat, I meant talking about stuff that connects us deeply to. As it turns out, we have the similar tastes in music, movies and thoughts!

What a crazy yet creepy coincidence! I finally found my music and movie buddy! And to find that kind of buddy in a school where there are thousands of students, it can be only be one reason behind it. Sheer pure luck! So thank you Zaidah for your albums and everything. You made my last weekend a great one to enjoy! =D

Next up. Had a small argument with classmate today. Was intending to stick up a helium gas tank up his ass and blow him out of proportions. But had no evidence to do it so mission was aborted. While going up a friend's house to play XBox, I thought of another way to scare him.

1. Take a step closer to Ben (preferably near his neck)

2. Take a deep breathe with a disgusted look my face

3. "You know, Ben...You reek of Fear, I can smell it on you."

With this, I believe I can psychologically traumatize him into thinking I am some weird fuck with no fucking morals. What a pity that I didn't thought of this earlier.

In other thoughts, I think I'm in love again...After the closure with Yan Ting, I am free to love and to be loved...

Random P.S Talking's overrated. Just type the words out and see how they complete each other's meaning.

Peace out.