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I want to die right now and resurrect when I want to. My heart is killing me. I want to cry but I don't want to do it alone. The nights are being terrible to me and my will.
I cannot taste food and enjoy it like how I used to. I only taste my tongue's staleness. My mind draws a complete blank. I do not know what I'm thinking anymore.
I have probably lost most of my senses now.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Repetition
Had a really vivid dream about someone again. It came from my own struggle with reality and desire. I do not know why I had that dream. The only difference is I did a few parkour moves all over the place. The people in my dream complimented me. It was almost self-complimenting myself. It was weird too, but self-assuring.
I do not know what my future holds for me but I'm willing to take the risks, even if it costs me something valuable. May I be blessed with wisdom to make the right decisions.
I do not know what my future holds for me but I'm willing to take the risks, even if it costs me something valuable. May I be blessed with wisdom to make the right decisions.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Rose Petal Remains
Been trying to conjure images in my mind without the help of influences from films, TV shows and music but they always somehow slip in. I even think of them when I'm half-asleep, eventually waking up and losing all of what my mind had randomly thought of.
I used to think my neighbours were girl classmates who were working on a secret project of theirs and it involves voyeurism. Whenever, I looked out the window of my room, I could feel that they were watching my every single move. They would giggle to themselves and take notes down to evaluate if I were a great guy to hang out with. I really do shudder at the thought of the idea. Paranoia always got the better of me and my imagination just screws me up even more.
But I like imagining things, you know? Imagine how things would play out. It's really similar to writing a script and you're the lead actor in your movie.
Before you say I'm really obsessed with the medium, think about it...
Aren't you writing a script everyday? The moment you wake up from your slumber, you're already thinking ahead of what to do. Before you interact with a person, you have already thought of all the possible reactions the person is going to have. You would think before you speak. You would have plan everything. Isn't writing a script akin to planning what to do and say?
The thing about writing a script to your life is that you will have expectations and the bigger the letdowns are when the reality don't meet your expectations.
I guess what I'm saying is: Write your life with caution.
I used to think my neighbours were girl classmates who were working on a secret project of theirs and it involves voyeurism. Whenever, I looked out the window of my room, I could feel that they were watching my every single move. They would giggle to themselves and take notes down to evaluate if I were a great guy to hang out with. I really do shudder at the thought of the idea. Paranoia always got the better of me and my imagination just screws me up even more.
But I like imagining things, you know? Imagine how things would play out. It's really similar to writing a script and you're the lead actor in your movie.
Before you say I'm really obsessed with the medium, think about it...
Aren't you writing a script everyday? The moment you wake up from your slumber, you're already thinking ahead of what to do. Before you interact with a person, you have already thought of all the possible reactions the person is going to have. You would think before you speak. You would have plan everything. Isn't writing a script akin to planning what to do and say?
The thing about writing a script to your life is that you will have expectations and the bigger the letdowns are when the reality don't meet your expectations.
I guess what I'm saying is: Write your life with caution.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Uppitydate
17 January... I will somehow always remember this date. Yan Ting was probably the only friend who loved me when I was in Sec 3. Her comment: "Why you so stupid cut yourself?" snapped me awake. I could not understand why I was so shocked at her and then overwhelmed with affection for her.
It was the attention she was showing for me and I mistook it for "love". Things happened and I said stuff I should not have said. One thing led to another, the flame in our friendship went out and was never rekindled.
She wasn't just another girl I like in my miserable, insignificant life. She was the girl who tried to show me the way of self-respect by loving myself, and I failed to see the message. Loving oneself means you have to live with the mistakes you make, your weaknesses, your little imperfections... Accepting who I am.
I am a little insane than the rest but have sensitive feelings. I can be insensitive at times and I flare up whenever things are not going my way. I am selfish too but I try to change my ways whenever possible. I have speech impediment and I suck at public speaking. Annoying people is my speciality and sometimes the things I talk don't come out the way I intend it to be. I try to be caring and sometimes I try too hard. I just need people's assurance and acceptance to feel safe and satisfied.
That's how I'm built. That's me.
So thanks, Yan Ting, for your love as a friend. I wish you a merry, happy 19th birthday today, woman. Your awesomeness to kick boys' ass and chipmunk voice will always be remembered.
And more gratitude to Su Juen, my amazing percussion senior and close friend, who took the time to enlighten me in the wee hours of the morning about myself, even though she had school the next day.
Why is it always my great girl friends have their birthdays in January?
It was the attention she was showing for me and I mistook it for "love". Things happened and I said stuff I should not have said. One thing led to another, the flame in our friendship went out and was never rekindled.
She wasn't just another girl I like in my miserable, insignificant life. She was the girl who tried to show me the way of self-respect by loving myself, and I failed to see the message. Loving oneself means you have to live with the mistakes you make, your weaknesses, your little imperfections... Accepting who I am.
I am a little insane than the rest but have sensitive feelings. I can be insensitive at times and I flare up whenever things are not going my way. I am selfish too but I try to change my ways whenever possible. I have speech impediment and I suck at public speaking. Annoying people is my speciality and sometimes the things I talk don't come out the way I intend it to be. I try to be caring and sometimes I try too hard. I just need people's assurance and acceptance to feel safe and satisfied.
That's how I'm built. That's me.
So thanks, Yan Ting, for your love as a friend. I wish you a merry, happy 19th birthday today, woman. Your awesomeness to kick boys' ass and chipmunk voice will always be remembered.
And more gratitude to Su Juen, my amazing percussion senior and close friend, who took the time to enlighten me in the wee hours of the morning about myself, even though she had school the next day.
Why is it always my great girl friends have their birthdays in January?
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