Undisclosed Desires

I am slowly descending into the state of insanity where nothing really matters to me. Not even my studies. And the reason behind this cause is my stupid crush.

I realised something important over the years as a young maturing boy with hormonal problems. I used to be an emotional boy, and I still am but I'm gaining control over my feelings. But the point is, Love screws me upside-down. I remembered that I did not do that well for Sec 2 because I got dumped by a girl who had a 6-months worth of crush on me just 1 month ago before the major exams.

Hmm, the suffering...

The way I tackle love is such an old-school method. The first step can be described using a quote from the movie Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who pays me the least bit of attention.."

Yes, if a girl, provided that she's adequately pretty, constantly comes to talk to me , I would fall in love with her easily. But this isn't a full-proof method because some girls are my good friends so I don't really fall in love with them. In other words, this girl got to be someone whom I think is special. Like Zooey Deschanel...

The next step is to talk to her as much as possible. Get to know her better, make her feel better about herself, be supportive and etc. The idea of this is to become her best guy friend. Or at least make it till the runner-up.

Then comes the part where I break the confession to her. Sometimes they just see me as their best friend AND THAT really breaks my heart. "I'm sorry, but I prefer to have you as my good friend.." is just another meaning for "Fuck you, I don't want to go out with you because you're fugly and boring."

Sounds harsh eh? But that's the truth. Can't say I really like it. Then they'll go on saying "You'll find someone that fits/love you, don't worry.."

Fuck that.

Despite my distaste for cliche romance films, my vision of Love is that everything is sweet and memorable. Having that said, I'm trying very hard to keep this vision intact within me because every relationships around me are fucked-up. It's hard to find someone you truly love, that's what I can say.

The girl that I have a crush on is a Summer. Obviously, I'm not talking about the seasons of distinct weather patterns. Summer is a fictitious girl from a film that I adore this year. Summer is somewhat independent and does not want to be romantically involved with someone. She only just wants to have some harmless fun. I guess, my Summer is here. Will I be a Tom Hansen in time to come? I certainly hope not...

Sometimes I find myself battling with my conscience, knowing what's not the thing to do, but I still do it anyway.

Sounds familiar eh? Join the club...