wallow in nostalgia amid the digital grid of deep affection

I've been wanting to write about relationships, but had been unable to do so after a crushing, fatal blow from a separation. You could say that it really stopped me from writing. Feelings like these are extremely difficult to express, let alone talk about with other friends. Isolation wasn't my only option, but it provided me a necessary void to grieve unintelligibly. It is such a personal glass ball of emotions that it demands to be felt and not conveyed, that's why I never bothered to attempt to describe it to anyone.

Some weeks back, I came across a quote from Charlie Lim on Twitter. I had never agreed with someone this strongly before and I just want to share it.

Looking back on what happened and how it came to be, the separation was inevitable. I always believe that if a relationship breaks apart, it is never the fault of one person. Sometimes both partners are at fault, sometimes it's just a circumstance issue. We like point fingers at each other and other reasons, but we hardly look back on ourselves. Which brings me to this tweet. If you replace "things" with "people", you'd get the same results.

For a real-life example, I'm going to use my own doomed relationship with Ron. God knows I loved her. She may not admit and see it, but she was the pillar of strength that I needed at that time. Initially it was an abusive experience, but we made it into our own complex, little love. We weren't in a relationship, but we shared almost everything.

That's all I'm gonna say, because I'm not here to reiterate how "perfect" we are for each other, but how wrong we were. At one point, Ron told me that she'd like for us to remain close friends and nothing more. But did we do that? Not really. We became even closer. So close that her then-boyfriend started to become jealous, because she was spending so much time with me. And, sadly for him, I knew her better than him. The fact was, she knew she was leading me on, although unintentionally, and me holding back my love is an impossible task.

So I kept investing in a couple-relationship that never crossed Ron's mind, while she was hoping our platonic friendship would last long. Our expectations were not aligned with our reality, so thus, a drastic yet necessary action had to be taken. We were too far over our heads, or rather our hearts. We knew we had a good thing going, but it eventually had to come to its preordained demise.

So was Ron the wrong person to love? Maybe? But my methods weren't exactly right as well. So we will never know. But, by gosh, what a life-changing journey. I wouldn't be the person today if it weren't for her.

Having said that, I won't be getting back into the dating game any time soon. To spend that amount of time and brain juice on someone is draining, to say the least. And with me heading to the working world in a few weeks, I highly doubt I'd have the time to invest in another relationship, especially with my hobby commitments and all. I rather hang around people I already know and trust, instead of getting to know another stranger. Also, why should I be having multiple courtships, when I already had the one relationship that defined my perspective on love and commitment?

So thank you, Ron.

For everything you've shared and imparted to me. I'll always think of you fondly, and as, I hope, you of me. Happy belated 22nd, babe.