Approximately 11AM...
I am sitting on a wooden-sewn chair in a dusty small, old room. The four walls around me stood like pillars, withstanding the vine-like cracks on the walls. In front of me was a bed and there laid an old lady sleeping peacefully. A yellow silk cloth with strange markings and shapes was covering her body like a blanket.
She wasn't just any old lady. She was my mother's mother and that makes her my Grandma. The Grandma that I didn't see often because she lives in Malaysia and I dislike Malaysia for its uncleanliness and state of order. Or rather, I dislike the town she lives in. But as I sat through the prayers and in my attempt to pray, tears kept on swelling and flowing. My shirt stained from the salty liquid from my eyes.
However, those tears weren't really for her. I never regretted never going back to Malaysia to spend more time with her. It's like I never felt the connection with my Malaysian relatives. Maybe it's because it's been 10 years since I went there and those memories have disintegrated. They were never particularly strong or vivid...
What went on in my mind was: "What a terrible shitty year this has been... It's last day of the year and Trouble and Sadness wouldn't let our family go..."
Some of my close friends may know what happened to me and my family. 2009 is not a great year for us. I don't like it at all. Usually I'm generally all right for the previous years but 2009 really sucked. My Dad, my Elder Sis, my Grandma and my depressive anger... I thought I really lost the meaning of living already.
What my friends have been telling me is right. I have to brace myself and stand up to these troubling times. It's a phase in life where people has to fall the hardest and climb back up on the horse. Of course this will happen again but I have to make sure to climb back up faster and stronger.
Sometimes we find the inspiration and strength in the weirdest places... For me, it's Malaysia. How ironic. The last place I never thought to redeem was the place I initially hated and still hate... Though the hatred has lifted a little.
So... For 2010's Resolution.
I want to keep everything good that I'm doing right now and throw out all the old habits. I got to keep my inner demons away from devouring my awesome personality. I got to love my family more. Keep up the hardworking side of me and deliver results of precision to the best of my capabilities. I need to learn how to shed away the "old" depressive me and allow myself to grow as a happier person.
The pessimistic mind is the limitation to our untapped potential and abilities. We, as beings of the planet Earth, are capable of ANYTHING. From now on, let's see how far we can stretch ourselves to our physical limits, shall we?
So long 2009 and embrace the new age of Growth in the Human Evolution!
Well... See you, Grandma... You'll be dearly missed...
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