Check Left&Right Mirror, Beware of Vehicles Overtaking and Motorcycles Squeezing. Signal "Right", Check Blindspot and Confirm Safe. Then Proceed Safely

I can't dangle fancy words around no more, so I'm gonna be straightforward.

I had tears streaming down today. I sat in that empty enormous, air-conditioned room and cried to myself. I am angry at the establishment, disappointed with my inability to make things right and moreover (God, I don't even know if I'm using that word "moreover" accurately), I feel fucked by my current circumstances.

I don't even know where to begin.

I sorta got dumped by N, because she couldn't stand being around with such an angry and violent man like myself. I totally get it. I'm violent by nature, I think. I inherited that from my father. But I am trying to change the energy into a positive one. And where did that energy come from?

I guess you can say that it comes from the many, many disappointments I have for myself.

1. My inability to write cohesive sentences and stories.
2. Lacking the creativity pond to dip in for a mind like mine.
3. Unable to make short films
4. Loss of intellectual ideas and beliefs
5. Loss of advices for friends
6. Too tired to make an effort to exercise my mind
7. Lost touch with world affairs
8. Social circle slowly decreasing (like there is one to begin with -.-)
9. Social skills are getting worse.
10. English skills are getting worse.
11. I can't do strenuous mental calculations anymore.
12. I don't have time to creatively participate in an activity.
13. Unable to get help for my elder sister's foodie business.

And I was annoyed that N called me a "woman". I have a lot of things on my mind that day and army's causing me short-term memory loss.. It didn't help that she was joking, while I was rushing to get my essential items. I always found it a sexist statement but I usually just ignore it. But something just snapped that day. And the maid, Ani, gave me an answer to my question with an attitude, that I just blew my top off.
*Note that I did not say "Request"

At least school was enjoyable you know. Driving course is just full of ugh. But I don't really quite know how to make of it.

I always knew army life was going to change me. I only didn't know it was a really drastic change. Hell, I can deal with discipline and regiment because I was once from a military school band. Why is it that I'm always having a difficult time adjusting to all of it?

I am tired. Shall continue next time.