Jeannette Walls' The Glass Castle, pg 129
Pardon me for this mid-week blog post, but it's due time I address a rather surprising event that happened in the past week.
I don't really know any other interesting way to say this: I received a letter from N last Tuesday.
Yeah, the N that had supposedly erased me from her life after that misunderstood event that happened earlier this year. I, too, have taken her out of my life. It was an intense and painful process that one should never go through. Yet, the package that arrived at my home sent me into a state of massive shock and confusion, that it took me a long time to register my once best friend N have tried to contact me in a form of a mail package containing a book.
Jeannette Walls' The Glass Castle.
It's a book that is very familiar, but I couldn't place where I heard it from and I doubted that I've read it before.
Well, it took me a while to find out who the sender is, since it had no name attached to it other than mine. Half the time I was thinking "Did I forget that I ordered a book online? Maybe through Amazon or something.." I browsed through the pages in quick succession, looking for a sign and there she was. The letter "N" written on the bottom of the last page. I knew instantly it was my old friend
N had told me before that she loved this book and how much it related to her situation. Or something along that line.
Since there wasn't a written letter in the package, I thought maybe there is something else on the book that I missed. N wouldn't send a book without a message and I knew she had hidden it somewhere in it. I slowly turned the opening pages and saw the message.
For Xing You
30.4.10 240.10.5
It is a code that I needed to decipher.
Eventually, after much pondering and deduction, I arrived at my 2 keywords and possibly her message: Beyond & Farewells.
Now, what the hell am I to make of it?!
There's no other way to misunderstand the meaning of farewells. It means what it means. And "beyond" can mean a lot of things...
Beyond farewells. Now that is a whole new thing by itself. But what does N wants me to take away from this message?
Are we "beyond farewells"? Like is this the last message in our doomed friendship? Means what. Is this the last contact we'd ever have?
Or are we "beyond" our "farewells"? Which means, this short-term departure has come to an end and it's time to get back to where we stopped?
Okay, we gotta think this through. Or at least I have to.
Why would N attempt to make contact with me by sending a book with a secret message that means we're truly over each other? It just doesn't add up. Because if we were really done, she wouldn't send me anything, let alone a letter. I mean, it wouldn't make sense. We're doing fine by ourselves... Aren't we?
Unless this is her way of making a sentimental goodbye which, in this case, is probable... Since we never really had a proper conversation to end our friendship on good terms. It finished on a very bad note.
Davin tells me I should apologize for what I did, a resolution I'm leaning towards, but I'm afraid of what's to come.
Thus far, since my long departure from N, my life has been very peaceful and I like having a peace of my mind, although I had to do battle with my inner demons quite frequently... I did not take well to Ron's departure. And to have that separation from N gives me breather to focus on other important things other than her. She was a chaotic being, emotionally unstable and her mood wavers like the swing on a playground during playtime. It was hard to keep up with her emotions and to attend to her needs. I felt drained at the end of a meet-up.
But N isn't that all bad of an influence on me. If anything, she challenged me on many occasions on how to talk, how to feel, how to perceive matters and people from another point of view. And it thrilled me, excited me and made me feel alive. In fact, without her for a good half year, I felt dead and uninspired. She was the boost that kept me on my toes, even when I didn't ask for it. There was also a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that followed the drain after meet-ups with her. None of my other friends could give that feeling.
N is an incredible force of nature, I would put it in short.
And, so I've finished the book she sent me. It's a beautiful tale of a dysfunctional family and I found the ending touching. Knowing the flaws of the people you love drives you so, so mad, that you need to get away. Yet you still come to terms with their personalities and habits and love 'em for who they are. Is this the message she meant for me?
I wish she would send me an easier message to understand, dammit. But, that wouldn't be like N already.
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